Bernie Fineman, Original Motor Mouth Read online

  One of the most common scams, and this often occurs in ‘fast fit’ sort of places, where they have very high turnover and try to get you in and out the door as quickly as they can, offering you cheap rates on basic services, is when they say they’ll do you a cheap oil change. And there’s a reason why it’s so cheap – they don’t bloody do it! They might change the oil but not change the filter, or perhaps put some peroxide in with the oil to make it look lighter and cleaner, so it looks like new oil when it’s the old. That’s lazy stupidity, and in my way of thinking it’s fraud.

  I have very personal experience of these ‘fast fit’ places. I went away to work for two weeks and one evening I get a call from ’er indoors. She has a real go at me, says I’m trying to kill her father!

  You wot?!

  Before I went away I serviced his Audi, put new tyres on, shocks, brake pads, discs, the works, then did the MOT. That car was spotless. While I was away he got a puncture and went to one of the ‘fast fit’ places in London. Whilst there he was told that the car was dangerous to drive, and that it required new front brake discs and pads, two tyres and had front shock absorbers which were badly leaking.

  My father-in-law is a trusting sort of chap (others might call him gullible) and of course he said please do it. Four hours later, and a bill for £750.20 inc. VAT, he drove away, told my wife and she went spare. On my return I went to see the ‘fast fit’ place. I was recognised by the manager who had seen my TV programmes, I told him my woe, and red-faced he admitted that they had been rather over-the-top with the repairs.

  No shit, Sherlock!

  When I told him I had serviced the car the week before, I got an apology and a full refund. Seems they rip everyone off to get commission on the service and repairs they do.

  Of course, not everyone can be recognised as a mechanic off the telly, so if you are suspicious about the work being done at a place, before you take the car in, just mark the filter with a little bit of nail polish. If the dab of nail polish is still there when the car comes back then you know it’s still the same filter and not been changed. If they can’t even be arsed to do this, the most basic of jobs, just consider: What else have they not bothered to do?

  Always ask what’s included in the price of a service and what sort of service it is. A full service should include changing the engine oil, and new oil filter and air filter. If it’s a petrol car then the spark plugs need changing as well. Don’t be blinded by seemingly great deals, make sure they are going to do the work you’d expect – if it’s a ‘full service’ make sure it really is a full service, including a diagnostics check. Most new cars have an on-board computer which can scan for problems, so make sure this check is included in the price, otherwise you might find an extra £50 added to your bill you weren’t expecting.

  Brakes are the things that most garages will try to scam you with because it plays to your fears. You think brakes are the most important part of a car, which they are, so you don’t want to mess about with them: if they need changing you think you’d better get them changed. But before you do, check back in your records. Ask the mechanic what the thickness of the brake pads is, and get a quote for the job. Then phone another garage and ask them whether they’d expect the pads will have worn down that much in the time since they were fitted and get a quote from them. Always shop around and get a second opinion where you can.

  If a part needs replacing, always ask for the old part back. Sometimes the part might be perfectly useable and they’ll charge you for putting a new one in, then put your old one in the next poor mug’s car and charge them for a new part. And before a new part is fitted, always ask if it’s a genuine part or a pattern part. A pattern part is made by a third party manufacturer, not by the manufacturer of the car itself, and although cheaper, can be of inferior quality. It can be cheaper in the short term but more expensive in the long run if it doesn’t last as long.

  Thank goodness, there aren’t many dodgy garages about. By that I mean garages that will purposely sabotage a vehicle in order to take money off you, rather than just doing the odd sharp practice. But a favourite scam for those that are dodgy is urinating into your radiator. Maybe you didn’t want to buy anything, so they thought they’d teach you a lesson, or just did it to ensure you come back soon to actually get some work done. So you get in your car and drive away, but within a few minutes you realise something isn’t right. The smell is disgusting, and it takes some time to flush that out of the cooling system.

  At another garage I saw a mechanic emptying valve grinding paste into the oil. Now, that will act as an abrasive and wear the engine away and there’s not much you can do after that but replace the whole engine.

  Another nasty one is to put a sponge in your fuel tank. Years ago they’d use sugar. So the sponge is in there, the pump activates, traps the sponge and stops the fuel from coming through. You’re driving down the road and all of a sudden the engine will cut out. You’ll turn it off, the sponge comes away, and allows fuel through again, so when you turn the engine on it’ll run for a short distance before the fuel is blocked once again and you’re stumped.

  I’ve seen cars come in with a misfire and the garage has said the head gasket has gone, so they give you a big quote for all these new parts and get your car up on the ramp. All they’re really doing is steam-cleaning the top end of the engine to make it look like it’s been taken apart, but the misfire is in fact just a plug lead or one of the coil packs has gone down. But they have charged you for a much bigger job. It’s fraud, whatever way you look at it, it’s fraud.

  A rogue garage only wants to see you once. They don’t want repeat business like an honest garage does, they want to scam you for as much money as they can and never see you again. They’ll change all the things that they tell you need changing, but most of them didn’t need changing in the first place.

  Here’s an example. A Range Rover 4.6 HSE had massive overheating, rough running, and coolant water loss. This car had been at a garage for three weeks, the invoice showed head gasket replacement, radiator repairs and a new fan motor. After I checked it, NONE of these things were changed, only cleaned up. The garage in question is a tiny backstreet ‘bodge it and leg it’ type. I called them and was told to fuck off and mind my own business.

  The client apparently went there because the dealership she normally went to wanted to charge her an exorbitant amount, so she went to the first place she came across nearby. After it happened she contacted Trading Standards, who issued proceedings against them, so they shut down and reopened one week later under a different name. She never got the money back from the garage but luckily she paid by credit card, and they stopped the payment. Then we had to do the job properly, and charged her some 50 per cent less than the dealership garage quote. There are some great independent garages, some even better than the dealerships, but be cautious: not all garages are the same. If in doubt, pay on credit card, as it might be your best chance of getting your money back.

  Some garages are dodgy, others try it on, but some are just not very good at their job. I sometimes get cars come in and I wonder which of these three categories the car has just come from. Once I had a BMW 5251, year 2001, come in, with the engine management light on, transmission in limp mode and no power. This poor old gent owner went to a main dealership who quoted, wait for it, £4,950 plus VAT for a new gearbox! Sensibly, he flew out of there, went to a local independent garage who did a scan code, charged him £90 plus VAT and told him he needed a new gearbox and programmer, which would cost £3,850 plus VAT.

  He was then recommended to me. I scan coded the car, noticed the alternator charge rate was very high, 16 volts, so replaced the alternator. Total cost? £198, plus £125 fitting, plus VAT. Result? No more transmission problems.

  Open your eyes so-called mechanics, it ain’t rocket science!

  The point of what I’m saying is, how many of us would’ve taken the first quote? You reckon that if it’s a main dealership, they know what they’re ta
lking about, right? So, quite a few of us think. And of those who had the balls to say no, I’m going to get a second opinion, how many would’ve taken the next offer, which was a grand cheaper than the first quote?

  It takes some balls to get a third and fourth opinion, not to mention a lot of time and effort when you just want to get your motor running again, but sometimes it pays off big time. So when you’re faced with a five grand bill, think how much money you could save compared to the time it takes to shop around. Saving a grand, well that’s a fortnight’s work for a lot of people and we’re only talking a few hours to take it to another garage. This guy saved himself over four grand – think how much you can do with that or how long it would take you to earn that. This guy did it in just a few days, so he was well happy.

  The one bit of good news is that most unscrupulous garages will get caught out eventually. A client once brought in a beautiful looking E-Type Jaguar, 1978, V12 and complained of poor performance, a fuel smell and a rattling when he went over bumps. The previous garage he went to was proving rather expensive: every time he took the car in for something the minimum bill was always £200 or £400. When I looked under the car I was literally shocked to see that a garden hosepipe was being used instead of fuel piping! The outer layer of the hose was literally melting away from the corrosive action of the petrol and was leaking badly.

  The client checked his invoice from three months previously and saw that he had been charged £250 plus VAT for new fuel piping from the previous garage. On top of that the plugs were worn and old, the air filters were partially blocked, the oil was dark and smelling of fuel, the front brake pads were worn away and there was excessive movement in the steering ball joints. The company was issued with proceedings, and duly refunded him £1,800. Only then did they close down.

  To reduce the risk of being scammed:

  • Check your oil before you take your car in for a service. If it’s dirty when it goes in and dirty when it comes out then it hasn’t been changed. However, be aware that in diesel cars the oil will get dirty again within about thirty or forty miles because you’re dealing with a heavy hydrocarbon, so make sure that as soon as you get it back from the garage you check it before it starts to discolour. Have a good look under the bonnet before you take it in for a service and look again afterwards – does it look exactly the same? Are the battery terminals cleaner than they were?

  • Look at the wheel nuts. Do they look like they’ve been taken off recently? When you take wheel nuts off you should really put a bit of copper grease on the bolts. If they still look dirty and clearly haven’t been off in ages, then obviously they haven’t checked the brakes. Have a look at the door hinges. When you have a full service the door hinges should be greased or have the application of a clear lubricant. If this hasn’t been done, or you find dirt and grease on the steering wheel, then they haven’t cared for your car and this may set alarm bells ringing.

  • Go in with ammunition. Say you would like a written or verbal quotation of what needs to be done on the car, that you want assurance that nothing will be done without your permission, then ask for the old parts back and ask for the choice of genuine parts or after-market parts. If you do that and show the garage you have a little bit of knowledge and understanding of your car, you’re less likely to get screwed over. Don’t go in like Bertie Big Bollocks and try to pull the wool over their eyes, because they’ll see right through you and think ‘Great, we’ve got a right mug here’ and they’ll try to teach you a lesson. So don’t overreach, just be confident in asking the right questions, not giving them all the answers.

  Garages are like any service that requires specialist knowledge. We’re like dentists: you come to us when you’re in pain and we’ll tell you this needs coming out, that needs taking out and you don’t know any better, you trust us because we’ve got a drill in our hand and say we know what we’re talking about. So unless you become a dentist or mechanic yourself, you can never be 100 per cent sure you’re not going to be scammed, but bear in mind all the things I’ve said in this chapter and you’ll massively reduce the chances of getting shafted.

  Remember, it’s your money and they want it. You choose whose pocket it goes into and if you have any doubts at all, keep your wallet in your pocket or your purse in your bag.

  You hold all the cards, so don’t be afraid to play ’em.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  BANGLADESH

  It’s a long way to Tipperary, but Bangladesh is even further. It’s funny, ain’t it, but some time or other you get one phone call that changes your life. Mine was in 2006. I was working at the garage as per usual, nothing out of the ordinary, a few MOTs, a car that needed brakes, run-of-the-mill head gasket for me ’cos as per usual I was about to blow my top…

  One client kept calling asking the same daft question: ‘When do you think it will be ready?’

  ‘When it’s finished, Ball Brain!’ I thought.

  I mean, if I knew exactly I would always tell the customer, but cars are funny things at times and a simple job can turn into a right project. This cunt had bought a car in for a new driveshaft only for us to find that the whole assembly had been stripped. To add to this annoyance, the usual day-to-day running of the garage fell at my feet: ordering parts, chasing suppliers, paperwork, invoices etc. It’s all building up around me and then the phone rings again.

  ‘If it’s that twat about his car again I’m gonna fucking kill him!’ I think. I’m about to shout, ‘No, it’s not ready yet!’ when I compose myself and put on my usual telephone voice, saying, ‘Hello, Bernie speaking, how can I help you?’

  ‘Hello, is that Mr Fineman?’ came the words in my ear. I didn’t recognise the voice but after confirming to him that he was speaking to the one and only I let him continue.

  ‘Hello, Mr Fineman, my name is Dimitri from Raw Television, and I would like to come and see you about a new television programme that we are making, and we believe that you are the right person to be in it.’

  I’m sat there taking this in and thinking that this geezer must think I’m a right grandfather clock if he thinks I’m falling for this wind-up. It’s probably a mate’s mate having a laugh, course it is. Before he could finish I just hung up. Fucking idiots I bet it’s… Before I could think of the culprit the phone rang again.

  ‘Hi Bernie, it’s Dimitri.’

  The way the day had been going I had no time for it, ‘Look, phone some other cunt – offer them the job!’

  He phoned again and this time I answered in my best Queen’s English, taking the Mickey.

  This guy was pretty convincing though and he knew that I thought it was a wind-up, ‘Look Bernie,’ he persuaded, ‘why don’t you call me back and you’ll see this is for real?’

  I took his details down, hung up, stared at the phone for a few seconds, then panned around to view the garage to make sure that no one was looking and laughing before dialling the number. I was still convinced it was my mate and was ready for the laughter in the background. I pushed the office door closed as the phone began to ring at the other end.

  ‘Good afternoon, Raw Television,’ an attractive voice answered. This was definitely a moment to think of a good apology and eat humble pie. My mind began to race. You idiot, you idiot, I thought. ‘How can I help you?’ said the Raw Television lady. I gave my details to her and she said, ‘Ah, Mr Fineman! Dimitri is expecting your call. I’ll put you through.’

  After apologising to Dimitri he gave me the details of a show he was producing for the Discovery Channel. Basically, he wanted a no-nonsense cockney mechanic, i.e. me, to star alongside a guy called Leepu Awalia, a talented Bangladeshi car designer who had no mechanical skills.

  I don’t know if you remember an advert for Peugeot set in India, where this young guy sees a Peugeot and wants it? He looks at his car and it’s a heap of crap, so he sets about hammering all the panels on his vehicle and even gets an elephant to sit on the bonnet to crunch it into the shape of the Peugeot he wants.
Anyway, they say that advert was based on Leepu, a car designer working out of a shack in Dhaka, Bangladesh.

  The format of the programme would be that I would fly out with the crew to Bangladesh, Leepu would design a car made from an old banger, and I would have to get the thing to be mechanically viable. As you can imagine the conversation lasted a considerable time but it was agreed that I would meet them at a hotel in Borehamwood for a casting interview.

  Now this sort of thing doesn’t happen every day, and certainly I never expected it to happen to me. I had given some technical advice to Endemol Television on a previous occasion and apparently it was this encounter that had led to the call. You see, you just never know who you’re talking to or who’s watching; that joke or action you take could literally make or break you without you ever knowing.

  The call had left me reeling with excitement and I called Lisa to let her know. She was as excited as me, but being realistic, she thought that since it was only an interview, would it come to anything?

  Well, the time came around quickly and when I arrived there was a television crew and Dimitri, who turned out to be a lovely guy. ‘Bernie,’ he told me. ‘Just ignore the camera and be yourself while I ask you some questions.’

  My eyes rolled, the camera rolled, and at the end of it I was offered a contract to star in the show. Double the money I was on, it sounded fantastic with an opportunity to make another series afterwards. There were several conditions and the hardest was that we had to deliver a car a month or Discovery wouldn’t pay and the show would close.

  The small print didn’t seem to matter to me and I had no agent or adviser – I just had to get Lisa’s approval because I would be out of the country for a minimum of ten weeks. Later on it was the small print that lost me a lot of money, but for the moment all was cushty. By the end of the year we’ll be millionaires, Rodney, millionaires!